The big hand is moving

It feels as though I haven’t been able to write for a very, very long time. I’m still not even sure now. I haven’t had any success in reflecting upon my life, lately. I haven’t figured it out or come to a new conclusion or even know how I really feel about it. My life, that is. I keep questioning myself. Everyone knows this about me. Isn’t inquiry the key to improvement though?

I’m trying really hard to live a life full of meaning. I take this to mean kind of staying away from social networks… focusing more on what’s in front of me at eye-level… taking the time to pull out records, not rushing home after school or work. I want to bide my time with the day. I want to remember what it was like to be in love with every part of my day and smile with strangers. Why can’t I do this? I think it’s because I’m graduating, or my feelings about post-grad life. That is, work… dedication, - {god I just got sucked into this The Front Bottoms’s song right now) - but it’s scary. Once you go down that road… I feel as if it’ll be hard to visit the one you never took. I never took. I don’t ever want to not take… I always want to never not take. 

Reflecting back to when I first started college, I made a goal to save up enough money to travel the south-western border of Europe when I graduated. Now that I’m almost graduating, I can say with total unwanted-confidence that that trip isn’t happening. It’s just kind of weird to see how my priorities have shifted a bit… I want to still live out the last hoorah of the past-me I guess. I want to revert back into who I was. Do people do that? Like yeah, thanks for the experience Universe, I know I’ll use it someday… but what about dealing me some good cards here? Easy ones?

Or maybe I’m just kind of blind to the goodness that’s already been granted to me… okay, now this has just turned into a personal rant within the silence of a Sunday night after a bowl of green. Later.

I am the kind of girl that you take home to meet your mom
and she loves me
when you are mean to me
and lose me,
she will ask why I’m not around
did she ever do that before?

I am the kind of girl that you give up the late night text messages
with your ex-girlfriend for
she makes you feel like shit anyways
and the reason why you stopped being on your phone
all the damn time
trying to flirt with someone you hardly even know
to fill a void

but if you don’t drop that for me
I won’t stay long
I’m not the kind of girl
who gets caught in a web
with someone who doesn’t look towards the future

I am the kind of girl who would rather be alone
than with someone who always puts me second (never again)
and I am not to be pushed to the side
I am not an option
I am all or nothing
does that intimidate you?

I am the kind of girl
that makes you wonder why you didn’t look more carefully at the sky
before you met me
you probably trust me
and think I could complete you
(maybe I will)

and the kind of girl who is terrified of you
because she doesn’t know how to let someone in
because I like your mom too and I don’t want
her to text me six months from now saying
it had been a pleasure to know me
and she wishes I was still around

Life in a list

Getting drunk and reading/writing poetry on the back patio
Making love and crashing hard right after
Smoking my way out of responsibilities
Being intimidated by my classes
Coming home to my friends
Getting excited for what the near future holds

I’m just trying to be better for myself in every possible way. I’ve learned that what comprises my efforts is mostly just loving. Everything. Everyone. And saying yes to every great opportunity in front of me and saying no to ones that don’t do anything but stunt my growth.

I’m scared. I’ve been through such an emotional roller coaster this summer… And I just want to be at peace. I want to love and live simply. I don’t know why that’s so hard to do sometimes, but I don’t want this anymore. I want to be better. I want to make things easy by putting in the work to be more for myself.